Contradicting

He texted me, asking if everything was alright. I replied that I was feeling somewhat down today, and he tried to cheer me up. I was waiting for him to tell me not to do something stupid (aka self-harm), but all I got was that he wished he could be with me right now. He's so loving and attentive, and yet I push him away whenever I'm in this mood. Feeling like shit, hating myself and not giving a fuck about anything. Last time I stopped talking to him, ignoring his affection and not even looking at him anymore. Without any good reason. He's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I could never forgive myself for ruining what we've got, and yet I push him away. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing... He said I should text him if  my mood got any worse, but I never do. I could, and I trust him, but I can never really put into words what goes on inside me. Everything that comes out of my mouth just sounds ridiculous to my ears. Writing is different, but I'm still not going to text him. He's not here right now and can't really do anything to make me feel better. I don't know what can. I focus on not eating anything, because it makes me feel like I've at least achieved something today, even though it won't make good the binging. I'm just going to go to bed soon, sleep makes everything better. Tomorrow is a new day, I'm not going to eat until he comes back so that I don't feel so disgusted with myself . I can't wait to be back in his arms, feeling his warm body against mine, kissing him again, smelling him... He's only been gone for 10 days but it feels like eternity. 

What I do to keep myself from eating:

• drinking lots of water and tea
• spending time in my room where food is not allowed
• thinspo
• any activity that keeps me occupied (youtube documentaries, reading, writing, listening to music, usually exercising but I can't at the moment :/)