Enough

I'm at a point right now where I just want to fucking hurt myself so badly. I've binged, again. It's been going on for some time now and I can't seem to control myself. Every time I go to bed thinking that tomorrow is going to be different, a new beginning. And every time I fuck up. Even though I know that I'm going to feel miserable and like a piece of shit afterwards, that the guilt will torture me for the rest of the day. That I hate myself whenever I look in the mirror, and that I am ashamed when my family notices that all the food is gone. My boyfriend is coming home tomorrow and I don't want to see him because I feel so disgusting. I don't want him to see me naked. I don't want him to feel all the fat and softness of my body. Two months ago we met and back then I was pretty slim and toned, I loved myself. I want to feel that way again, confident and proud of myself. I want to start over and it's so fucking hard, I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. I'm very much aware that binging makes me feel terrible, and yet I do it over and over again. So I need to take control, not losing my focus whenever I think of food. 

Goals: 

• no food in my room
• no eating when I'm alone, only in company