Hate

When he came over to my place yesterday I was just wearing a string, because I had just come out of the shower. Admittedly the string was a bit tight, it has always been, but all my other underwear was in the laundry. He said that it looked like it was a bit too small. I told him how I am feeling about my weight right now, that I've gained some kilos since the beginning of our relationship and that I don't like it, that it makes me feel uncomfortable. And that I would like to lose two to three kilos. And that I definitely don't want to gain any more weight. That's when he stopped being perfect to me. He said that he wouldn't like that either. Those aren't his exact words, but it was something along those lines. 

It hurts so much. He knows that I struggle with my weight, eating, my body image in general. And to me it just sounds like "If you gain any more weight you'll be fat". From that moment on my day was ruined. My mother also contributed to that, but what he said hurt me the most. I got a new bed yesterday, and originally we had other ideas in mind, but we ended up just sleeping. I couldn't talk to him, tell him what his comment had done to my low self-esteem. I eventually did so this morning, and he apologised, saying that he didn't think about what he was saying and that it wasn't meant that way at all, that I was beautiful and perfect to him. But whatever he says can't take away this feeling. Whenever he touches me now I feel all the fat, I can't look him in the eyes, can't be naked around him. I just hate myself right now. It's the first time I don't feel comfortable being around him. I don't want to push him away, but I'd rather be alone. He's coming over later this evening, but I don't think my mood is going to change. I want to cut myself so badly, and maybe I will, even though it hurt him so much when I did  ít a few days ago. He blamed himself for not protecting me from myself and questioned whether he could make me happy. He was so upset with himself for days. 

But self-injury makes all the feelings and anxiety go away, I just want to give in... 

Today I didn't care about my life at all. There were moments when I wanted to be dead, because it would mean to stop existing, to stop feeling.

He is so afraid to lose me. And I'm not so sure I'm still going to be around in a few years.