Down

I've failed. I've been restricting and binging the last few days, hating myself more every day. Thinking about food every second. All the time. Even while sleeping with my boyfriend. When he leaves me in the morning, I begin eating as soon as I'm alone. Not stopping, only taking a break when I feel like I'm going to explode. I fall asleep, but as soon as I wake up I start again. In the afternoon I finally stop, bloated and anxious about my boyfriend seeing me this way. Thinking that this was the last time, again and again. And failing every day. 

Today it was too much. I lost all hope, the little positivity that was left in me. Right now I'm so depressed, I don't see a future. I love my boyfriend, he supports me so much, but I don't see myself fighting on forever. Life is a constant struggle for me, or at least it seems to me like that when I'm in a mood like today. And the bad days have increased over the last weeks, coming out of the blue, for no apparent reason. Today actually started out all right, I woke up next to my boyfriend on a wunderful summer morning. I also found out that my application for university was succesful. Everything should have been fine, and yet I binged as soon as I got home. I've easily consumed 4000 calories today, I lost count. I feel tired, depressed, ashamed. And so I eventually resorted to something that I do when I'm so down that I want to stop existing. I hurt myself. It's been about four months since I last did it, and now I've done it again. My boyfriend will be here in about two hours, and he will notice right away. He won't understand, and I won't be able to explain. He will be hurt because I didn't call him, he tells me all the time to call him whenever I'm feeling bad. He won't show it, but I know that he'll be hurt. And he's going to worry so much. One more reason not to like myself today. But I just felt like I had to do it, that it would somehow make me feel better. Or at least make me feel numb. And it sort of does. It's going to take some time to heal.

Starting over and getting better is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't even properly define what is stressing me out so much. Maybe it's the uncertainty of the future, I finished school this year and have no idea what I want to do with my life... The eating definitely goes back to feeling alone and bored, not loving myself, feeling uncomfortable. 

I'm thinking about starting therapy again. I wish there was some magic pill that would solve all problems, but there isn't. I just want to get back control over my eating, myself, my life.