Contradicting

He texted me, asking if everything was alright. I replied that I was feeling somewhat down today, and he tried to cheer me up. I was waiting for him to tell me not to do something stupid (aka self-harm), but all I got was that he wished he could be with me right now. He's so loving and attentive, and yet I push him away whenever I'm in this mood. Feeling like shit, hating myself and not giving a fuck about anything. Last time I stopped talking to him, ignoring his affection and not even looking at him anymore. Without any good reason. He's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I could never forgive myself for ruining what we've got, and yet I push him away. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing... He said I should text him if  my mood got any worse, but I never do. I could, and I trust him, but I can never really put into words what goes on inside me. Everything that comes out of my mouth just sounds ridiculous to my ears. Writing is different, but I'm still not going to text him. He's not here right now and can't really do anything to make me feel better. I don't know what can. I focus on not eating anything, because it makes me feel like I've at least achieved something today, even though it won't make good the binging. I'm just going to go to bed soon, sleep makes everything better. Tomorrow is a new day, I'm not going to eat until he comes back so that I don't feel so disgusted with myself . I can't wait to be back in his arms, feeling his warm body against mine, kissing him again, smelling him... He's only been gone for 10 days but it feels like eternity. 

What I do to keep myself from eating:

• drinking lots of water and tea
• spending time in my room where food is not allowed
• thinspo
• any activity that keeps me occupied (youtube documentaries, reading, writing, listening to music, usually exercising but I can't at the moment :/)

Junkie

I'm already craving food again. But I won't give in. I already feel bad aboud today, so I won't make it even worse. It's just my blood sugar. And my stomach will need some time to adjust to smaller portion sizes, it's so big right now. That's why I feel hungry, not because my body needs energy. So I'm just going to live with the hunger, and I'm going to ignore the appetite. My next meal will be tomorrow evening, welcome back dinner with my boyfriend. Until then no food for me, I'll be alone anyway so there's no one to keep me company. 
I'm slightly frustrated at the moment because I'm not allowed to do my usual pilates exercise, I got a copper IUD on Monday and so my lower body needs rest... But I'm glad that I'm not using hormonal contraception, I don't think it would do me any good. And I don't pollute the ecosystem with estrogen. Anyway I'm kind of torn right now, on the one hand I can't wait to have my boyfriend back, but on the other hand I am afraid that he notices that I've put on some weight. Even though he'll probably like it, he's not too fond of bones and thin girls, but I just don't feel confident the way I am at the moment. I don't feel sexy. Two months ago I enjoyed dancing for him, sitting on his lap and walking around naked in the morning, but now I dread taking off my clothes. I'm so nervous about tomorrow...

Enough

I'm at a point right now where I just want to fucking hurt myself so badly. I've binged, again. It's been going on for some time now and I can't seem to control myself. Every time I go to bed thinking that tomorrow is going to be different, a new beginning. And every time I fuck up. Even though I know that I'm going to feel miserable and like a piece of shit afterwards, that the guilt will torture me for the rest of the day. That I hate myself whenever I look in the mirror, and that I am ashamed when my family notices that all the food is gone. My boyfriend is coming home tomorrow and I don't want to see him because I feel so disgusting. I don't want him to see me naked. I don't want him to feel all the fat and softness of my body. Two months ago we met and back then I was pretty slim and toned, I loved myself. I want to feel that way again, confident and proud of myself. I want to start over and it's so fucking hard, I feel like my mind is playing tricks on me. I'm very much aware that binging makes me feel terrible, and yet I do it over and over again. So I need to take control, not losing my focus whenever I think of food. 

Goals: 

• no food in my room
• no eating when I'm alone, only in company