Sinking

Today was our four months anniversary. He slept  at my place, we woke up next to each other, I surprised him with a heart-shaped chocolate muffin and four candles placed around it. I was in such a good mood, but everything changed when we got up and had breakfast. I fell into a hole and stayed there all day. Originally we wanted to celebrate the day. But I ruined it. I was depressed, still am, not motivated, just lying in bed. We didn't go out for dinner as we had planned. And in the evening I basically sent him away, telling him that I wanted to spent the night alone. And here I am now, alone, just like I wanted to be, and feeling broken inside. He is at his place, feeling bad because he's not with me and can't make me feel better. 
He knows that I struggle with my eating again, I told him. So when he left I had to promise him not to binge. To exercise a little bit because he knows that it usually cheers me up. And to call him later so that he knows I'm all right and to see whether I've changed my mind about tonight. However he didn't know that I had been binging all day already. I sneaked downstairs several times to make tea, stuffing my face while being in the kitchen. And I didn't manage to keep my promise. I binged as soon as he left, and haven't touched my yoga mat yet. I called him and lied. I hate myself for it. I always want to be honest with him. I'm going to tell him tomorrow. We didn't say much on the phone. I feel like I'm dragging him down with me. Sometimes I think that he'd be better off without me. He'd find another girl, one that's not fucked up, and be happy. And I'd just give up, stop worrying about the future.