Today was our four months anniversary. He slept at my place, we woke up next to each other, I surprised him with a heart-shaped chocolate muffin and four candles placed around it. I was in such a good mood, but everything changed when we got up and had breakfast. I fell into a hole and stayed there all day. Originally we wanted to celebrate the day. But I ruined it. I was depressed, still am, not motivated, just lying in bed. We didn't go out for dinner as we had planned. And in the evening I basically sent him away, telling him that I wanted to spent the night alone. And here I am now, alone, just like I wanted to be, and feeling broken inside. He is at his place, feeling bad because he's not with me and can't make me feel better.
He knows that I struggle with my eating again, I told him. So when he left I had to promise him not to binge. To exercise a little bit because he knows that it usually cheers me up. And to call him later so that he knows I'm all right and to see whether I've changed my mind about tonight. However he didn't know that I had been binging all day already. I sneaked downstairs several times to make tea, stuffing my face while being in the kitchen. And I didn't manage to keep my promise. I binged as soon as he left, and haven't touched my yoga mat yet. I called him and lied. I hate myself for it. I always want to be honest with him. I'm going to tell him tomorrow. We didn't say much on the phone. I feel like I'm dragging him down with me. Sometimes I think that he'd be better off without me. He'd find another girl, one that's not fucked up, and be happy. And I'd just give up, stop worrying about the future.
Everything went well the last month. I spent two and a half weeks in Scotland, and even though I was on vacation without my boyfriend I was fine. I cut out wheat and gluten, I nourished my body properly and was active every day, swimming in Loch Ness and running in the woods, doing pilates in the evenings. I stayed on track with my diet and this new mentality until the beginning of this week when he took me out to eat. I gave in, ate too much, and the next morning I basically ate a whole loaf of bread. And lots of nuts in the next days. And today the dreaded, full blown binge happenend. I had made cookies for my boyfriends grandparents, and they were sitting on the kitchen counter. When he left me after lunch, I started with the cookies, ate three of them and one chocolate muffin. And then I ate bread with cheese, with honey, toast with nutella, yoghurt. Until I felt stuffed and way too full. Not only did I eat things that contain wheat and gluten, I also ate non-vegan things. I am very passionate about veganism, and the only time I break with it is when I binge. And I am comletely aware of the fact that I'm going to despise myself when the eating is over. That I'll swear to never touch that Ben and Jerry's container again. All I feel right now is disgust for myself. I don't see how I'm ever going to come out of this, how I'm ever going to get better. Some days I am fine, but then there are also those days were I feel utterly depressed without reason. My boyfriend tries everything to cheer me up, but there's nothing he can do. Sometimes even exercise is not powerful enough to get me through this mood. And I don't know if I am strong enough to fight this forever. I just feel like giving up.
