fucking it up

it's been a while, and yet i'm still in the same place i was months ago. i'm still working at a grocery store three times a week. i'd like to study physiotherapy next fall, but i can't even manage to fill out the application. i've got no motivation at all, and i wouldn't mind if it were just finally over. i sometimes imagine what it would be like to simply give up completely. i guess my preferred way would be to od.
i don't know where i'm heading with my relationship. many days i feel so depressed, he doesn't know how to deal with it, i end up getting even sadder about that. i feel so disconnected sometimes, and then i wonder how long we're going to make it. two nights ago we went clubbing and i ended up flirting with some guy. i was pretty much wasted, my boyfriend had to take me home quite early. he hadn't noticed what i'd done, he only learnt the  day after. i don't know what i was thinking, i can't even really remember much. it hurt both of us...
today, he went out partying, i didn't feel like it, and when he called to ask how i was doing i told him to sleep at his place. i told him i needed a night to myself. maybe i secretly hope that he'll still come to me, but i don't think so. i don't know what i want. 

Sinking

Today was our four months anniversary. He slept  at my place, we woke up next to each other, I surprised him with a heart-shaped chocolate muffin and four candles placed around it. I was in such a good mood, but everything changed when we got up and had breakfast. I fell into a hole and stayed there all day. Originally we wanted to celebrate the day. But I ruined it. I was depressed, still am, not motivated, just lying in bed. We didn't go out for dinner as we had planned. And in the evening I basically sent him away, telling him that I wanted to spent the night alone. And here I am now, alone, just like I wanted to be, and feeling broken inside. He is at his place, feeling bad because he's not with me and can't make me feel better. 
He knows that I struggle with my eating again, I told him. So when he left I had to promise him not to binge. To exercise a little bit because he knows that it usually cheers me up. And to call him later so that he knows I'm all right and to see whether I've changed my mind about tonight. However he didn't know that I had been binging all day already. I sneaked downstairs several times to make tea, stuffing my face while being in the kitchen. And I didn't manage to keep my promise. I binged as soon as he left, and haven't touched my yoga mat yet. I called him and lied. I hate myself for it. I always want to be honest with him. I'm going to tell him tomorrow. We didn't say much on the phone. I feel like I'm dragging him down with me. Sometimes I think that he'd be better off without me. He'd find another girl, one that's not fucked up, and be happy. And I'd just give up, stop worrying about the future. 

Failure

Everything went well the last month. I spent two and a half weeks in Scotland, and even though I was on vacation without my boyfriend I was fine. I cut out wheat and gluten, I nourished my body properly and was active every day, swimming in Loch Ness and running in the woods, doing pilates in the evenings. I stayed on track with my diet and this new mentality until the beginning of this week when he took me out to eat. I gave in, ate too much, and the next morning I basically ate a whole loaf of bread. And lots of nuts in the next days. And today the dreaded, full blown binge happenend. I had made cookies for my boyfriends grandparents, and they were sitting on the kitchen counter. When he left me after lunch, I started with the cookies, ate three of them and one chocolate muffin. And then I ate bread with cheese, with honey, toast with nutella, yoghurt. Until I felt stuffed and way too full. Not only did I eat things that contain wheat and gluten, I also ate non-vegan things. I am very passionate about veganism, and the only time I break with it is when I binge. And I am comletely aware of the fact that I'm going to despise myself when the eating is over. That I'll swear to never touch that Ben and Jerry's container again. All I feel right now is disgust for myself. I don't see how I'm ever going to come out of this, how I'm ever going to get better. Some days I am fine, but then there are also those days were I feel utterly depressed without reason. My boyfriend tries everything to cheer me up, but there's nothing he can do. Sometimes even exercise is not powerful enough to get me through this mood. And I don't know if I am strong enough to fight this forever. I just feel like giving up. 

Hate

When he came over to my place yesterday I was just wearing a string, because I had just come out of the shower. Admittedly the string was a bit tight, it has always been, but all my other underwear was in the laundry. He said that it looked like it was a bit too small. I told him how I am feeling about my weight right now, that I've gained some kilos since the beginning of our relationship and that I don't like it, that it makes me feel uncomfortable. And that I would like to lose two to three kilos. And that I definitely don't want to gain any more weight. That's when he stopped being perfect to me. He said that he wouldn't like that either. Those aren't his exact words, but it was something along those lines. 

It hurts so much. He knows that I struggle with my weight, eating, my body image in general. And to me it just sounds like "If you gain any more weight you'll be fat". From that moment on my day was ruined. My mother also contributed to that, but what he said hurt me the most. I got a new bed yesterday, and originally we had other ideas in mind, but we ended up just sleeping. I couldn't talk to him, tell him what his comment had done to my low self-esteem. I eventually did so this morning, and he apologised, saying that he didn't think about what he was saying and that it wasn't meant that way at all, that I was beautiful and perfect to him. But whatever he says can't take away this feeling. Whenever he touches me now I feel all the fat, I can't look him in the eyes, can't be naked around him. I just hate myself right now. It's the first time I don't feel comfortable being around him. I don't want to push him away, but I'd rather be alone. He's coming over later this evening, but I don't think my mood is going to change. I want to cut myself so badly, and maybe I will, even though it hurt him so much when I did  ít a few days ago. He blamed himself for not protecting me from myself and questioned whether he could make me happy. He was so upset with himself for days. 

But self-injury makes all the feelings and anxiety go away, I just want to give in... 

Today I didn't care about my life at all. There were moments when I wanted to be dead, because it would mean to stop existing, to stop feeling.

He is so afraid to lose me. And I'm not so sure I'm still going to be around in a few years.

Down

I've failed. I've been restricting and binging the last few days, hating myself more every day. Thinking about food every second. All the time. Even while sleeping with my boyfriend. When he leaves me in the morning, I begin eating as soon as I'm alone. Not stopping, only taking a break when I feel like I'm going to explode. I fall asleep, but as soon as I wake up I start again. In the afternoon I finally stop, bloated and anxious about my boyfriend seeing me this way. Thinking that this was the last time, again and again. And failing every day. 

Today it was too much. I lost all hope, the little positivity that was left in me. Right now I'm so depressed, I don't see a future. I love my boyfriend, he supports me so much, but I don't see myself fighting on forever. Life is a constant struggle for me, or at least it seems to me like that when I'm in a mood like today. And the bad days have increased over the last weeks, coming out of the blue, for no apparent reason. Today actually started out all right, I woke up next to my boyfriend on a wunderful summer morning. I also found out that my application for university was succesful. Everything should have been fine, and yet I binged as soon as I got home. I've easily consumed 4000 calories today, I lost count. I feel tired, depressed, ashamed. And so I eventually resorted to something that I do when I'm so down that I want to stop existing. I hurt myself. It's been about four months since I last did it, and now I've done it again. My boyfriend will be here in about two hours, and he will notice right away. He won't understand, and I won't be able to explain. He will be hurt because I didn't call him, he tells me all the time to call him whenever I'm feeling bad. He won't show it, but I know that he'll be hurt. And he's going to worry so much. One more reason not to like myself today. But I just felt like I had to do it, that it would somehow make me feel better. Or at least make me feel numb. And it sort of does. It's going to take some time to heal.

Starting over and getting better is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I can't even properly define what is stressing me out so much. Maybe it's the uncertainty of the future, I finished school this year and have no idea what I want to do with my life... The eating definitely goes back to feeling alone and bored, not loving myself, feeling uncomfortable. 

I'm thinking about starting therapy again. I wish there was some magic pill that would solve all problems, but there isn't. I just want to get back control over my eating, myself, my life.

Rock Bottom

I stepped on the scale this morning, hadn't done it in a long time, and the number hit me like a blow to the stomach. 64,2. That's the highest I've ever been. I know that it's not smart to weigh yourself after a binge day, but I just had to know where I'm at right now. And for me this is definitely a wake up call. Because it means that I can't fix it by starving myself for a few hours/days/weeks, but that I have to make permanent changes to my diet so that I never ever overeat again. 

The Plan:

• three meals a day, no snacking
• paying attention to small portion sizes
• preferably raw fruit and vegetables, all other food only in company of others
• weighing myself everyday
• no food in my room, only eating at the dinner table
• exercising every day
• drinking lots of water and (green!) tea

The exercise part of the plan is not that hard for me, because I've been exercising daily for 30 to 60 minutes since the beginning of the year. However I still need to wait a few more days until I can start again for medical reasons... Sucks. The hardest part for me is going to be the small portion sizes, I often find that I can't stop eating once I've started... But eating when being around others will help me with that, since I'm not going to pig out in front of them.

Overall I want to be under 60 in about three weeks. It's a lot of weight to lose (if you're not starving yourself), but I want it to be a permanent thing so I need to watch out not to damage my metabolism. And I guess the weight is going to fall off once the binging stops and I can resume my exercise regime. Besides that exercising always boosts my mood and lowers my appetite, so I can't wait to start again.

My biggest goal: Feeling confident in myself again.

Contradicting

He texted me, asking if everything was alright. I replied that I was feeling somewhat down today, and he tried to cheer me up. I was waiting for him to tell me not to do something stupid (aka self-harm), but all I got was that he wished he could be with me right now. He's so loving and attentive, and yet I push him away whenever I'm in this mood. Feeling like shit, hating myself and not giving a fuck about anything. Last time I stopped talking to him, ignoring his affection and not even looking at him anymore. Without any good reason. He's the best thing that has happened to me in a long time and I could never forgive myself for ruining what we've got, and yet I push him away. I don't know if it's a hormonal thing... He said I should text him if  my mood got any worse, but I never do. I could, and I trust him, but I can never really put into words what goes on inside me. Everything that comes out of my mouth just sounds ridiculous to my ears. Writing is different, but I'm still not going to text him. He's not here right now and can't really do anything to make me feel better. I don't know what can. I focus on not eating anything, because it makes me feel like I've at least achieved something today, even though it won't make good the binging. I'm just going to go to bed soon, sleep makes everything better. Tomorrow is a new day, I'm not going to eat until he comes back so that I don't feel so disgusted with myself . I can't wait to be back in his arms, feeling his warm body against mine, kissing him again, smelling him... He's only been gone for 10 days but it feels like eternity. 

What I do to keep myself from eating:

• drinking lots of water and tea
• spending time in my room where food is not allowed
• thinspo
• any activity that keeps me occupied (youtube documentaries, reading, writing, listening to music, usually exercising but I can't at the moment :/)