it's been a while, and yet i'm still in the same place i was months ago. i'm still working at a grocery store three times a week. i'd like to study physiotherapy next fall, but i can't even manage to fill out the application. i've got no motivation at all, and i wouldn't mind if it were just finally over. i sometimes imagine what it would be like to simply give up completely. i guess my preferred way would be to od.
i don't know where i'm heading with my relationship. many days i feel so depressed, he doesn't know how to deal with it, i end up getting even sadder about that. i feel so disconnected sometimes, and then i wonder how long we're going to make it. two nights ago we went clubbing and i ended up flirting with some guy. i was pretty much wasted, my boyfriend had to take me home quite early. he hadn't noticed what i'd done, he only learnt the day after. i don't know what i was thinking, i can't even really remember much. it hurt both of us...
today, he went out partying, i didn't feel like it, and when he called to ask how i was doing i told him to sleep at his place. i told him i needed a night to myself. maybe i secretly hope that he'll still come to me, but i don't think so. i don't know what i want.
